As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I've worked with couples, I've found five main relationship killers:
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories - overt control and covert control.
Overt control consists of many forms of attack, like blaming anger, rage, physical violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes submission, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior often results in animosity and emotional distance, causing the very rejection that it's meant to avoid.
Many individuals enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled - of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance - withdrawal, unconsciousness, feeling numb, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one person is controlling and the other is resistant - that is actually an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the partnership becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner's job to fill their emptiness, eliminate their emptiness, and make them really feel great about themselves. When individuals have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
A lot of people who really feel empty inside turn to substance and have addictions in an attempt to fill their void and take away the pain of their loneliness.
Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending beyond your limits, busyness, internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as methods to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, being rejected and engulfment. And they're all methods of shutting out your partner.
All relationship killers originate from fear - of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You can move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only after you discover the best way to fill yourself with love and define your own inner worth.
Whenever you are willing to take your eyes off your partner's plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work needed to heal yourself and your relationship.
A fantastic place to begin would be to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.
When you've handled this, women pickup lines are readily available on the internet to help you start fresh. If you'd like to locate a different place to pick up women instead of going to a bar or nightclub, search: pick up for women.
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